How to Strengthen Intimacy as Parents
Having children can bring immense joy and fulfillment to any relationship, but it can also be a source of stress. As parents, we often struggle to find the time and energy for our partner, leaving us feeling disconnected from one another. However, with the right tools and strategies in place, it is possible to rekindle the intimacy and connection that was once present in your relationship. Let’s talk about “stealing time” and knowing your love languages.
No tip or strategy is instant magic. Make sure that you spend time asking yourself and your partner questions about what is easy and hard about the relationship after children. Jumping straight to solutions is rarely helpful. Instead, assessing each partner's individual needs is key to understanding how to maintain vibrancy in your relationship. Ask yourself and your partner, what do I need in order to feel fulfilled and connected? What does my partner need? Answering these questions will provide valuable insight into your relationship dynamics and how you can help meet each other’s needs.
“Move away from thoughts that connection is only about big dates, long conversations, and romantic time away.”
Creating small opportunities for meaningful connection and intimacy in your relationship after having children is essential for maintaining a strong bond with one another. We like to call this “stealing time.” There is never enough time once we have kids and our personal and relational needs are often the easiest to sacrifice. If you are waiting for the right time, you will end up waiting for 18-25 years. The idea of “stealing time” is moving away from thoughts that connection is only about big dates, long conversations, and romantic time away because all of these acts take significant amounts of time. Instead we are moving towards thoughts about “stealing'' small moments of time that are meaningful, connecting, and immediate. We often keep putting these big commitments off and end up with long periods of time without any meaningful connection. Which is more overwhelming, finding 4 hours or 5 minutes? Would you rather have 5-10 minutes of connection multiple times a day, or 4 hours every couple of weeks? This might mean making an effort to spend quality time alone once the kids are asleep, having a check in when someone returns from work, doing a task together that you could easily do apart. You could also try incorporating small gestures throughout the day such as holding hands while walking together or sharing a quick hug or kiss when passing one another in the house. These simple acts of affection don’t take up much time but they can be incredibly powerful for reconnecting with your partner on an intimate level and reigniting feelings of passion and love within the relationship.
Identify your main love languages
Understanding your love languages can be a very helpful tool for capitalizing on opportunities to “steal time.” Your love language is the way you express and receive love in a relationship - whether it’s through physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, or gifts. Identifying your main love language can bring clarity to why certain behaviors may be seen as more loving than others. Once both partners have identified their primary love language, they can work together to find meaningful ways to show each other that they care in the language that the other best understands. What is important to understand about love languages is that it is much easier to give the one we want to receive. When we take time to understand our partner’s individual needs, not only do they feel understood but they also feel pursued through the effort of what is put into meeting that need.
Having children can present unique challenges for even the healthiest relationships – but with dedication and effort, it doesn’t have to mean sacrificing closeness between partners. Taking steps to assess individual needs, understand each other's love languages, and create intentional space for intimacy can help foster an even stronger bond between couples navigating this new journey together.
Is intimacy and connection something that is particularly challenging for you and your partner? At Discover Hope we believe that couple’s counseling is important for growing and strengthening a relationship, not just repairing a broken one. If you and your partner are curious about participating in therapy together, reach out via phone or web submission to speak with a clinician for a free fifteen minute consultation. Healing begins with hope, let’s discover it together.